The Unholy Grail

As I sit here sipping on my iced McLatte pondering about how many levels of bad this McLatte in my hand is, I come to the realization that as bad as it may seem, I feel no remorse in having one.

The Guilt…

1. I’m contributing to a mega business that undermines workers worldwide by underpaying hard working employees.

2. This company serves sub-standard food and very unhealthy options, which is only contributing to the nation’s obesity epidemic.

3. The caloric intake I’m intaking as I sip on one of these drinks is astronomical. With all the cream and fatty molecules that are in this drink, I don’t need to eat for the next 2 days. Just lookin at it makes me feel like I’m gaining weight.

4. It’s really kinda taboo for upstanding consumers of overpriced yet healthy alternative food to go to a place like McD’s. By even mentioning on this blog, I risk getting blacklisted from Whole Foods. I’ve seen it done, but I can’t talk about it. Besides, that whole organic food thing is just a front for some kind of mafia, but that’s another post.

5. It’s got high-fructose corn syrup!

You know…Fuck it!

First of all, lemme state that high fructose corn syrup is made from corn, doesn’t contain any artificial ingredients, and like sugar, is safe in moderation.

I worked hard this morning out in the sun. Did I mention that it was in the morning? It was even before 9am! All I’ve had today has been some tortilla chips and 2 glasses of grapefruit juice. After that, I’ve been running errands all day. So in terms of the whole unhealthy aspect of it, I think I’ll just turn vegetarian for a couple days, that should even things out. I’ll only eat green and white holystic foods, so organic the dirt will still be on it. I’ll also think about doing some of that yoga stuff, I hear it works wonders on guilt.

Also, as much as I wanted to get me some chicken mcnuggets and fries, I abstained. Scientists still haven’t figured out what part of the McChicken the McNuggets come from, so I guess I really don’t need them, being a pseudo-scientist and all.

In conclusion, I’m a good human being! I think about the poor and injustices around the world and try not to insult people (on purpose). I’m also very eco-friendly, friend to the environment and animals love me. So why oh why can’t I have just a few crutches to help me along the way?!? I’m not asking for much, no governments underminded or people oppressed, just some damn overpriced coffee that’s bad for me!

Speaking of governments, it was the founding fathers that said “Let them have their coffee!” That’s why they dumped all that tea in the harbor, cuz they preferred coffee. The British covered it up by saying it was some protest against taxes and shit, but it’s all about protecting the tea industry. The British love their tea cuz it’s healthier, but there’s more to life than being healthy. Why can’t life just be made a little easier for everybody with our guilty pleasures? I know that people have too many guilty pleasures, but that’s just the stupid people that have no self control and get fat and lazy. But we’re not all stupid, needing nursemaiding! Why not have a stupidity tax, just tax the stupid people?!?

Update: You will find exactly what I just said in the Absolutely Fabulous episode titled “Poor”, Season 2, Episode 5.  Check it out and thank French and Saunders (the creators of Absolutely Fabulous) for their comedic genius.