As I sit in the campus cafeteria, the aroma of recently popped corn kernels fills my nostrils at the same time a cacaphonous (I know I spelled it wrong, but it fits the shit I’m hearing) roar of conversations keeps my ears happy. Where I sit I can see outside, and it’s a really nice looking day. In a bit I will go outside looking for a cheeseburger. Dunno why I’m craving one since I have 2 burritos in my backpack.

People talk a lot here, but nobody really says anything worth mentioning. Not that it’s a bad thing cuz it is giving me blog material. Because this is Valentine’s day week, the whole cafeteria is being decorated in pinks and reds. Come on people, this isn’t elementary school anymore. On the west wall of the cafeteria the office of student affairs has set up 3 long tables, covering them with a yellow, purple, and pink table cloth, in that order. On the pink table they’ve set up a popcorn machine, to which a big yellow poster is taped to it. “FREE Popcorn!” Lonely it sits there, enviously watching the vending machines across the room get more attention.
Since when is the color yellow associated with Valentine’s Day?
On the yellow table a girl sets up a banner which pretty much deflates any kind of cheery, romantic, luvy-duvy feeling the student affairs people are striving for.

“Do you think about whether or not the person you are sleeping with has a sexually transmitted disease?”

I understand now! When you get an STD, it probably hurts when you pee (I guess), and pee is yellow! I make a face as I realize the connection, and at the same time one of those people setting up the tables sets some flyers on my table. I think he’s laughing at the face I just made, but who cares. What’s important is the flyer he just left for me to read and mock.

They’re having a party and they’re calling it “Springtini”. There, you can enjoy appetizers as you sip on a mocktail with the rest of your sober friends. Afterwards, y’all can enjoy awesome activities such as a beer-goggle obstacle course and a mock sobriety test brought you by your local campus police department. I can’t even type all this shit with a straight face! I realize that going back to school was going to expose me to a bunch of douchebaggery and pretentiousness (manifested as Ugg boots), but Daaaaaam, this Benjamin Button’s shit has totally blind-sighted me. If you don’t know what that means, I Google’d it for ya so you don’t have to do any extra work. I’m very tempted to go just to see what it’s like, but then I realize that’s a dumb idea. I already know how it’s gonna be.

Apparently I’m not the only one that feels like this cuz I can overhear all the tables around me say the same thing. I’m just the only one brave enough to write about it, cuz you know The Man is keepin tabs. If I sound too harsh, I’m really not. I just know stupid when I see it. No judgement here, this is a free country and not a dictatorship, so people can be stupid if they want to.

Damn, I need me a mocktail. Gonna get me a screwdriver from over there (also known as orange juice). Jiminy Chrismas, it’s fun to pretend you’re drunk!