Haiku for you #9

Anime logic,
Starbuck the female cylon…
back table eavesdrop.

I ride the Cheers Wheels: the bus where everybody knows your name.

You remember that show, where these people pretty much lived in that bar, and if you’re one of the cool people the second you walked in everyone shouts out your name cuz “everybody knows your name” unless you were an extra in the background? That is the only reason why I HATED that show. Everyone was always smiling and glad to see you walk in cuz the second you walk in they’re falllin out of the damn stool just to say hello and buy you a beer. But if you were an extra in the background, you were pretty much a second-class citizen. Yeah I know this is only a show and you have to focus on the main characters blah blah blah. Well this also happens in real life, and I get to live it every day.

Because I’m eco-friendly, I ride the bus every day to get to school in order to help the rain forests and penguins and koalas and shit like that (avoiding driving in rush hour is a nice perk for being kind to trees too). I’m even willing to help ugly animals too. Anyhoot, I digress…

Every morning I catch the bus at 7 in the effin mornin and everyday without fail, I’ll be a bit grumpy. Well, in the bus there’s a group of “regulars” that are friendly towards each other, so once someone new in their click walks in, every one of these bozos yells their name out, JUST LIKE IN CHEERS! I sit at the back of the bus cuz I can see everything from back there. Well at my bus stop, 2 ladies that belong to this group get on, so when I board, people make a big hoorah when they get on (like the main characters that they are) while I just quietly go to my seat (like a Star Trek extra). Being in the back trying to stay awake, I’ve decided to name all of the main characters and re-enact life dramas they might have.

Cast (in order of Apperarence)

Eyebrows: This old lady(bout 55ish) paints her eyebrows on every morning. She gets on the bus the same time I do, and only talks to the other members of the group. One day the bus was late and she was waiting with me. Because I’m not in her little group, she don’t talk to me, so instead of makin small talk with me standing there, she calls her friend already riding the bus. Also, she looks like she’s a very grumpy person, but when the second the other member of the group gets to the bus stop, she lights up and makes stupid jokes. Bitch should be happy she gets to see me everyday, but I think she’s playin it off. Someone should have an eyebrow intervention with her.

Mommy Dearest: This is the other person that boards the bus with me and Eyebrows. I guess she’s a new mom cuz all she can talk about is her kids. These kids are the smartest kids in the world, cuz the conversation might be about politics, religion, or underwater quantum mechanics in Arameic, and she’ll bring up her kids. She looks tired and a bit bitchy, but the second she sees Eyebrows, her breathing gets faster and she smiles and kids around (but not with me, remember I’m an extra). Whatever anyone in her group might say, she can top it with how her son loves Jesus while singing the Star Spangled Banner.

Smiley: This guy is already on the bus when I board it with Eyebrows and Mommy Dearest. His main characteristic is that he doesn’t stop smiling the whole time. No kiddin! Because there’s always a conversation going on, he’s always smiling at whoever is talking. When it’s his turn to talk, he speaks with this creepy smile. I guess he’s mid 30’s and wears glasses and sits in the very very front seat of the bus. He also wears shoes with little tassles on the top of them. I don’t even know where to get shoes like that, and I go to shopping at the Goodwill for clothes.

Shy-Girl: Because she’s the youngest cast member, she can wear retro-chic fashions and scarves from the 60s, cuz that’s how she expresses herself. She doesn’t talk much but is still an important member of the group, cuz everyone wants an insight into todays culture and popular things. When anyone talks to her directly, they always start with the phrase “Back in my day…” She always nods at anything they tell her, so she must have really strong neck muscles. I bet she does the yoga, cuz like everyone knows, that what kids nowadays are doing. I was gonna put a pic of a shy girl here, but when I googled it, I kept gettin porn, and since Im in a public place, well can’t.

Cliff: I really can’t describe this old guy better than this, cuz he IS Cliff.  He’s got a bit of a loserish way to him, but not in an annoying way.  Today he was showing everyone his new iPhone and how groovy it is and how it’s gonna revolutionize everything and make his life so much easier, especially with the GPS.  I can’t count the times I was on the bus and realized I didn’t know where I was.  Wait, yes I can its ZERO.  Smiley smiled, Shy-Girl nodded, Mommy Dearest interrupted him by sayin her 3yr old knows how to use an iPhone already (that little rascal!) and Eyebrows wasn’t payin attention cuz she’s checkin her makeup.

At the end of the day, or the bus ride, whatever comes first, everyone gets off the bus and with hugs, say goodbye.  I sit there thinking tomorrow there will be new conversations, but I already know whats gonna happen.  They better not find out my name!  I am the Bus-Ridser-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Could you go 1 week without a cell phone?

Do you know anyone that does NOT own a cell phone?  What has happened to humans that makes it necessary to own a cell phone?

I use the bus every day to go to school cuz the parking there sucks royally.  Last week while on my way home, I believe I lost my cell  phone on the bus.  I sent out a text message around noontime, and by 2pm, I couldn’t find my phone anywhere.  So for the whole of last week I’ve been living without a cell phone.  Lemme tell ya, it was torture!  Not only for me, but for pretty much everyone around me.  My mom was calling me all day, I was going to meet my running buddy but we couldn’t reach each other, I’m pretty sure I pissed a bunch of people off by not returning phone calls, all in all it was awful.  After being 6 days with no cell phone, I finally got one yesterday, and it’s like the clouds have parted and it’s sunny and good  now.  That’s my point: how did we get so dependent on a technology we didn’t have 15 years ago, and when did it happen?

What once was a luxury now has become a necessity of life.  I remember when it was so outlandish for someone to own a cell phone.  It was inexplainable to even have a beeper.  Now I can’t even take my mom to the store without both of us having cell phones, just in case we get separated.  Trust me, we always get separated.  How in the hell did people function without cell phones?

Could you live a whole week without a cell phone?  I’m not talking about a phone all together, cuz back in the day people had home phones.  I guess my challenge is to leave your cell phone at home.  It’s ok if you can’t do it, to tell ya the truth I bet I could do it, except that it’d be really inconvenient and I really don’t need to prove anything since I did it last week.  That and I’d probably piss more people off.   Everybody has become a slave to technology.  Technology is the opiate of the masses!

P.S. Sprint SUCKS!!!!! I don’t have a contract with them, have called them every month for the last 4 months to stop sending me bills for a phone I reported lost 2 years ago, got it disconnected, and was promised I’d never get a bill again.  Yes, I have a reference number from the person I last spoke with.  I still keep gettin a bill for $11-$25 from a cell phone that doesn’t exist anymore.  Sprint won’t listen, so I’m going to tell everyone I know how they’ve treated me.  I’m actually considering legal action cuz it’s turning into harassment, especially cuz this shit can’t be good for my credit.  Sprint keeps telling me they’ve fixed the problem, canceled my account and zeroed my balance, yet I still keep getting statements with a balance!  Their service always sucked, reception was horrible, people are the rudest both over the phone and at the stores, and all they want is your money.  WTF!  Those greedy sons o’biches!

Ok, done ranting… for now.

It’s fun to pretend you’re drunk. I’m doing it right now!

As I sit in the campus cafeteria, the aroma of recently popped corn kernels fills my nostrils at the same time a cacaphonous (I know I spelled it wrong, but it fits the shit I’m hearing) roar of conversations keeps my ears happy. Where I sit I can see outside, and it’s a really nice looking day. In a bit I will go outside looking for a cheeseburger. Dunno why I’m craving one since I have 2 burritos in my backpack.

People talk a lot here, but nobody really says anything worth mentioning. Not that it’s a bad thing cuz it is giving me blog material. Because this is Valentine’s day week, the whole cafeteria is being decorated in pinks and reds. Come on people, this isn’t elementary school anymore. On the west wall of the cafeteria the office of student affairs has set up 3 long tables, covering them with a yellow, purple, and pink table cloth, in that order. On the pink table they’ve set up a popcorn machine, to which a big yellow poster is taped to it. “FREE Popcorn!” Lonely it sits there, enviously watching the vending machines across the room get more attention.
Since when is the color yellow associated with Valentine’s Day?
On the yellow table a girl sets up a banner which pretty much deflates any kind of cheery, romantic, luvy-duvy feeling the student affairs people are striving for.

“Do you think about whether or not the person you are sleeping with has a sexually transmitted disease?”

I understand now! When you get an STD, it probably hurts when you pee (I guess), and pee is yellow! I make a face as I realize the connection, and at the same time one of those people setting up the tables sets some flyers on my table. I think he’s laughing at the face I just made, but who cares. What’s important is the flyer he just left for me to read and mock.

They’re having a party and they’re calling it “Springtini”. There, you can enjoy appetizers as you sip on a mocktail with the rest of your sober friends. Afterwards, y’all can enjoy awesome activities such as a beer-goggle obstacle course and a mock sobriety test brought you by your local campus police department. I can’t even type all this shit with a straight face! I realize that going back to school was going to expose me to a bunch of douchebaggery and pretentiousness (manifested as Ugg boots), but Daaaaaam, this Benjamin Button’s shit has totally blind-sighted me. If you don’t know what that means, I Google’d it for ya so you don’t have to do any extra work. I’m very tempted to go just to see what it’s like, but then I realize that’s a dumb idea. I already know how it’s gonna be.

Apparently I’m not the only one that feels like this cuz I can overhear all the tables around me say the same thing. I’m just the only one brave enough to write about it, cuz you know The Man is keepin tabs. If I sound too harsh, I’m really not. I just know stupid when I see it. No judgement here, this is a free country and not a dictatorship, so people can be stupid if they want to.

Damn, I need me a mocktail. Gonna get me a screwdriver from over there (also known as orange juice). Jiminy Chrismas, it’s fun to pretend you’re drunk!

Haiku for you #8

Enkidu and I,
some chicken teriyaki-
new environment