You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2009.
As most of you may have already know, the city of Austin had a minor zombie outbreak. Brave individuals, including myself, took care of the situation. This was especially difficult because these were Nazi zombies. The liveral media will say someone hacked the sign as a prank. Well, it was hacked, but only to warn people since The Man is responsible for the zombies in the firsdt place and doesn’t want people like me eliminating them. As I’ve stated before, I have this little fascination with the living dead. Technically, they’re not living, so we can’t call them that. They’re more re-animated dead, but for all intrinsic purposes, I’ll refer to them as zombies. This past outbreak made me realize that I need to put together a top notch group of people to help me combat this ever growing problem, so I’ve started taking applications. I got the idea of how to form the team from playing online video games, so if it sounds familiar, then it means you’re a nerd. Here is what I’m looking for:
1. Healer – Applicant must posses first aid skills, work well under severe pressure and be quick at treating wounds. Cooking skills a plus, since it helps to know what your patients’ diets are like and we will most likely have prolongued scouting missions. Fighting skills not needed as you will not be the main damage dealer, but must have some weapon skills just in case one of your patients turn into a zombie.
2. Scout – Highly dangerous position since you will be in charge of reconaissance and go ahead of the team to make sure a threat is present. Must be very fast, have skills to sneak around and at the same time evade zombies. Once threat is identified, the scout will also serve to pull zombies back to the team, since this is a zombie eliminating team. A skilled scout will pull zombies one at a time so the team can dispose of threat systematically.
3. “Tank” – Once the scout brings the enemy to our camp, your job is to provoke the zombie into attacking you. Once the zombie is attacking you, the rest of the team can concentrate on dispatching it. Fighting skills are necessary, but don’t need to be the best. Main skill you should have is be able to move around in heavy armor, since we can’t afford to lose you from a zombie-inflicted wound.
4. Damage Dealers – Once “Tank” has zombie’s attention, your main function is to eliminate threat as fast as possible. Applicants must posses very good weapon skills. Minimum 2 years edge weapon’s experience. Skills will be tested as prerequisite for addition to our team. Because you will be handling very dangerous weaponry, extensive background check will be made, as well as drug test. I don’t want pothead swinging sharp sword around me, hope you understand. Must be willing to share responsibilities with scout on limited scale whenever he/she needs to rest and recouperate. Armor will be provided, but must provide own weapon. 2 openings available for this position.
References will be necessary, but actions speak louder than words. At first all positions will be temporary until you either prove your usefulness or become a zombie and we kill you. Good luck to all applicants.
In 2000 years, space archeologists will have to decipher that code when they’re diggin up our remains. They’re gonna think humans from the 21st century were crazy to talk like that. Little will they know, that is the secret code that grants immortality.
I was thinking about Contra the other day because my sister sent me this Youtube link where this guy is playing the Contra theme song on an electric guitar. As a self proclaimed videogame nerd, I love it when people take videogame theme songs and play them on youtube. I actually have the entire Megaman II soundtrack played on an electric guitar on my mp3 player. Lemme tell ya, the Freeze Man theme just pumps you up when you’re joggin. Anyways, I digress.
While listening to these on youtube, I was reminded of a clip showing the SUPER MARIO BROS. LEVEL FROM HELL! Sorry for the caps, but this level is so difficult, I have to emphasize it as much as I can cuz you have to be a super hero to pass it. The clip shows this guy trying to get through it while he’s talkin. I dont know if its legit or whatever, all I know is he’s hella funny. The only way to beat this level is to have done the secret code for the unlimited lives for Mario. Unlike the Contra Code, this is not really a code, but an action that Mario must perform.
In levels 3-1 and 6-1, jump on the turtles that are climbing down the final steps to make them shells. Jump on the shell to make it bounce off the wall and then jump again to make it keep bouncing back and forth between Mario and the wall. Continue jumping on the shell for almost unlimited lives. Thanks to www.gamingtarget.com for the info. Once you obtain immortality, you can go to the level. Below is what you will find, and what you’ll probably be saying.
Disclaimer: Adult language and a few vulgarities are used in a very very liberal fashion, so if you’re offended by it, don’t watch it. You’ve been warned.
Sitting in the common area of school, you can try and find a quiet space so you can do your homework. But without fail, in the table next to you a big loudmouth will sit down and ruin your study time. Today is no exception… Luckily I have such a good humor about it that it doesn’t bother me as much as the average person. What we have for today is the pretentious know-it-all psych major. Yay for loud mouthed idiots!
First of all, I’m trying to read ahead for my world lit class, so I’m trying to get in to those Sappho poems. I know you’re asking what does Xena have to do with Saphho. Um, Duh!! Sappho was Gabrielle’s favorite poet/lyricist. Anyways, this shit is kinda hard cuz the damn poem doesn’t just tell ya what’s goin on, you have to figure it out cuz it’s written in an ancient language poets used in order to piss us future people off. As I’m reading about Aphrodite and how awesome she is, this loudmouth starts talkin about how Freud changed everything and how he’s got dreams and shit.
The dude is a 30ish guy and his friends look like back table reject. Cuz this is college, there’s no back table anymore, since the freaks and geeks are now cool. This guys is not cool though. Maybe I’m just jaded, but either this guy is a world renound Sigmund Freud expert that’s just reading an intro to psych book for fun, or he’s just a know it all idiot that can’t control the volume of his voice. He goes on and on on how interpreting your dreams is the way that shrinks figure out what’s wrong with you, and he tells the whole table (and the whole common area) about his dream where his dad would tell him he’s an idiot. Um, news flash Captain Obvious, maybe he was right.
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about him, I don’t know where he comes from or what his childhood was like. But come on, everyone has had a mest up childhood one way or another, but that doesn’t give everyone the right to have projectile mouth diarrhea! If Freud was here, I’d have to hold him back so he wouldn’t slap the hell outta this guy. Hmmm, maybe I wouldn’t stop him now that you mention it. Aim for the ego, you can’t miss something that big!
I’ll even eat those vegeatables that give you the farts, like cauliflower and brussel sprouts. There’s a catch, they have to look like characters from movies or videogames. I will NOT eat ugly vegetables!
While doing research for the blog, I stumbled across this website that teaches you step by step how to make bento boxes. For you that don’t know, a bento box is what Japanese moms pack their kids for lunch. In order to make them eat their veggies these moms wake up extra early in the mornings and make art out of their food.
Before I go any further, major KUDOS have to be given to Anna the Red for her awesome bentos. Not only does she show us her great and beautiful bento boxes, but she also explains step by step how even someone with limited cooking abilities can make their own bento boxes. If your food looked like that, why wouldn’t you eat it? The best part of thisI think is how temporary it all is. This kinda art is meant to be eaten so the next day it will be something different. It kinda reminds me of those sand mandala carprets those holy people do on the floor. The only way to immortalize it is to take a picture of it, which is what Anna the Red has done with her bento boxes.
As part of my new year’s regimen, Im gonna change my schedule to wake up every morning with enough time to make myself a bento box after I’m done with my morning run. I will have to experiment to see if can recreate Anna’s awesome bento boxes first to see how much time it will take my to make me a Totoro lunch. Because my new year’s workout starts next monday, I have to figure out how to eat healthier too, so that means more vagatables, even the nasty ones. Since my life is an open bible to my readership, I will keep you updated on my progress. Once I become an expert I’ll try and tackle movies that you wouldn’t think of eating. Until then, go check out Anna the Red’s blog.
Who in the hell thought up of Art History as a class? Music appreciation was already full, so I got stuck with art history. Being a biochem major, classes like these are the antithesis of my cognative powers. I had decided to go back to school and in doing so, have found out that I have to take all these classes that are required. Who the hell needs art history?!? Pretty much my whole schedule is like that, too. Here are all the classes I’m taking:
Art History – Here we will be discussing the history of art from cave paintings to pretentious artists that overcharge for their work, all in the name of art. OK, to tell ya the truth I really don’t know what I’m gettin into here, but it’s what I imagine. I’m imagining this 50ish lady that always wears scarves tellin me how much I should appreciate art and how the artist was all depressed when he painted it so he cut off his ear and painted some waterlilies. Because of the dynamic of the nuances the artists can convey how rich they’re gonna be when their paintings are bought by clueless rich people. You want art, here it is.- Introduction to Literature – Um, ok. St. Alex, this is Hamlet. Hamlet, hark the sun in the east can only hope to reflect the pleasure it give me to have your acquantence forsooth! Come on, an intro class to literature? All the introduction I need to read a book is for someone to recommend it to me. But without a proper introduction, how can I truly appreciate the themes and pathos the author wanted me to feel? Dude, if I like it, I like it. If I don’t, oh well.
World Literature from ancient world thru 17th Century – OK this one Im actually looking forward to taking. It was either this or 17th century to present. I prefer the old stuff cuz back then they talked all funny with their alliterations and symbolism shit, while now aurthors are just whiny. Can’t wait to get to some Greek tragedies and Sappho stuff, cuz that’s where Xena scrolls will be. It’s kinda wierd that in the same semester I’m taking this alongside an intro class to literature. Go figure.- US History from Civil war to present – I will admit I do like history. This class should be OK. I prefer history older than civil war days, but it’ll be ok. I do love world war stuff, while I was in high school I took a class on european history, and it focused on that. I think this class will be doable.
US Government – Before a bill gets ratified blah blah blah house of representatives blah blah fillibuster blah and justice for all! I know some people find this fascinating, but as a science person, this just isnt for me. But what about the stem cell research bills and also? Um I doubt we’ll get into that, we will be focusing on amendments and bills of rights and shit like that. Snoozefest, but I have to get an “A” in this class too so I’ll have to pay attention…
All in all, my schedule is more of a Liberal Arts person (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). I will miss the hard sciences that I’m used to taking but meh, its only one semester. Awaiting me in the near future is engineeering physics, and I’m already stressing over that. For now, bring on the pretentious teachers!
My homeowners’ association has a hold on where I live like Stalin did over in the Soviet Union. It’s my goal to infiltrate this organization and topple it from the inside. They are a bunch of old people with too much time on their hands with a goal to make everyone as miserable as they are. For you that live in apartments or don’t live in the US, definition is here.
The first “offense” I committed was last summer. My family and I went on vacation but we forgot to mow the lawn. To tell ya the truth, it wasn’t that long. When we came back, we found or lawn cut soooo short it almost all died. We didn’t think anything of it till we received this bill in the mail. It was from the homeowners’ association (HOA for short) charging us $75 for lawn care. Someone called in and complained that our lawn was too long and the HOA had sent someone. How dare they!!
The second offense came again because of the lawn must be trimmed so they don’t grow over the sidewalk edge. $35 for that shit, damn those bastards!!!!!
Third offense happened a month ago. My dad bought my mom a car and brought it from Kansas to Texas, so it still had Kansas license plates. 2 days later we receive a letter saying we can’t keep the car there because not having TX plates is just as bad as if it was on cinder blocks, so we have to either keep it somewhere else or put it in the garage out of view. The thing is there’s a house down the block that has a car with Louisiana plates AND another car in the same driveway on a cinder block. It’s been like that for months, but how can that be??? Well thanks to my dog Betty, I found out why they get away with it.
I was walking my dog when I bumped into an old lady walking her chihuahua. We talked and bonded the way dog owners do, and she told me there was gonna be a HOA meeting that weekend. RED FLAG!!!! With my disarming charm and quick cunningness I was able to extract information from this unsuspecting old hag. She lives 5 houses down from where we live, she’s a member of the HOA gestapo, and her next door neighbor is that house with the car on a cinder block. This is the person that has been snitching on us making us pay these ridiculous citations!!! This means WAR.
My plan is to infiltrate their organization and maybe get a position in their council. That will be the hardest step because I bet they have a close knit group. I will have to tap into my charisma reserves and amass enough support to land a spot in the council or whatever they call themselves from the other residents before I overthrow the leader. For this I will need:
Good ideas on how to improve the neighborhood that are not too expensive. This will be a tough one cuz if there’s any ways to improve the neighborhood that are cheap they would have already done them. But this will also be my foot in the door, so It’s a crucial step. It can be as simple as putting those doggy poop bag dispensers all over, cuz there’s a lot of dog shit that people leave when they walk their dogs. I always carry a plastic bag when I walk Betty, so I’m a good guy here.
Baked goods: I’m gonna have to find an excuse to talk to other residents and to butter them up I will use confections. Because my mom doesn’t have an oven, I will have to make Nicholas’ house one of my supply cells. Before the next HOA meeting I will scout the neighborhood and target old people and houses that have overdone lawns. These are the people that care what others think of their houses. I will go over and with pie in hand and disarming desposition remind them of the next HOA meeting as I compliment their houses.- Get a speech writer. Every good famous person has a speech writer. As good of a writer as I am, I know my limits. Sometimes my passion for stuff overshadows my charm, and with old people I can’t take the risk of them seeing me as a snot-nosed teenager, especially when I’m in my 30’s! The fact that I don’t look my age will play against me, so I can’t risk sounding immature.
Once I become a regular, I will petition to be included in the group. Here is where I will need a beret. Theme music will be optimal, but I will need to look the part since people identify with images. Just look at all those red and blue Obama posters. Why do you think he won? Note to self: get sister to draw up posters of me in primary colors wearing my beret. I will get my family to hand them out and explain to people how I’m gonna make things better, but in a grass roots kinda way, cuz that’s all the rage right now!- Take time and go around the neighborhood and perform a census of the residents. I will appeal to the majority and tell them how I’m gonna improve their hood while not raising their fees. If families with small kids are the majority, then a new playground will be installed, kids are our future after all. If it’s overweight people, then a new picnic area with barbecue pits will be erected where the playground would have been.
Once I have support from everyone, I will kick out the old people I don’t like from the council and place people loyal to the cause. Together, we will make Spring field Homes an utopia where the majority of the people will be happy.
The dreaded New Year’s resolutions. Everybody’s got ‘em. Nobody sticks to them. I’m the same way. This year it will all be different because I will have accomplished everything on my list. All I’d have to do is clone myself and it will be cakewalk.
- Spend more time with loved ones.- This one will be a little tricky. Either I slow down the rotation of the earth around the sun that way there’s more hours in the day so I can spend time with everyone, or get my clone to help me out.
- Be more sensitive to people less fortunate than me.- I will not badmouth the people that stand in the streets asking for money as much. Only problem is this will be very difficult when they’re dressed better than me.
Work out and get in shape that I’m proud of. – (Duh, everyone has this one) There was one year that I worked out all summer and was able to get 2/6 of a six-pack. Very impressive if you reduce the fraction, cuz it becomes one third. So this year my goal is to have 50-60% of a sixpack. I would much rather have a six pack like the one on the pic, but come on, last year I over did that shit. Besides, I need to get in shape for the cloning test.- I will be more proactive with my blog posts.- As some of you know, it’s a little tricky to keep updating a blog with new material that is worth being read by intelligent individuals with refined taste, but I will do my best to try and quench that thirst for awesomeness y’all may suffer. (yes, I used the word “quench” in a sentence). I will not post any filler posts just so I have a daily or semi-daily schedule.
- Lastly, I will try and read one book a month, since I’ve been really slacking on this department ever since I rediscovered videogames. With this accomplished, look forward to more Readin Rainbow posts, those are always so fun AND informative.
If you’d like to share any of your resolutions, please feel free. Please feel free to comment on anything, this is a blog. I know you’re out there!!! (Hey, that should be your resolution, to comment on as many blogs as you can!)
