I know you have it,
My cell phone is far from my hand.
Text message silence.
First of all, I’m not making this a racially motivated post. For all you haters out there that might wanna spin my words into some cultural, racist, sexist, whatever thing, dont cuz that would be dumb and you really don’t wanna act a damn fool. I’m just stating that fact that every time I see a white person with dread locks it makes me gag. Lemme state what I consider a white person to be — they’re not black. I was gonna refer to them as non-black or non-african-american, but I dont wanna get all 1984 double-speak in this post and typing hyphens cramps up my pinky. To be racially inaccurate, whites may include Asians, Hispanics, and even some African-Americans that don’t have the proper hair to make into dreadlocks. I’m just saying that unless you have the right kind of hair, you should not try and get dreadlocks.
While researching this, I read up some blog on the pros and cons to dread locks. Some people like that Rastafarian lifestyle and thats why they do it. Others like to pretend they’re Rastafarians, and that’s why they do it. Rastafarians
wear dread locks to express their inner spirituality and to emphasize their identity cuz one of their major beliefs is that they must remain “whole” so they can’t cut their hair. That;s why Bob Marley died of toe cancer, cuz he couldn’t cut it off cuz it went against his beliefs. While looking for some pictures I found people that look really sexy with dread locks. If your hair can support dreadlocks, then be my guest and do it. When done properly, it looks damn good.
Hindus also believe in stuff, so they have dread locks. Shiva had dreadlocks. But if you look at their hair, it can support dread locks. My problem is with the people that don’t have the hair to have proper dreadlocks. If your hair can’t support this hairstyle, please don’t do it, cuz it looks like SHIT! LITERALLY!!!!
Shitty dreadlocks!
When people that have really straight hair try and tease it into dreadlocks, it ends up looking like your dog shat on your head. This is where it makes me gag. Sometimes people fall prey to cultural appropriation, which is what I think this whole dreadlock craze is about. There’s two kinds of people that wear dreadlocks: the real Rastafarians and the people that wanna adopt that lifestyle for the looks of it.
The other day I was hungover like never before, so I my sense of synicism was extra acute. We go to this taco place to get some tacos and while waiting in line there’s this guy with dread locks in front of us.
Ok, this guy was not really in front of us, I would have totally lost my cookies if he had though. But there was this white guy with brown hair in dreads all the way down to his butt. And his dreads were making me ill because they looked like very long turds coming out of his head. Sorry for the very graphic mental pic, but it’s my literary duty to describe stuff as accurately as possible. Obviously my appetite went out the window. Did I mention I was massively hungover? And that’s not the first time I’ve been disgusted like that by this dreaded phenomenon. Another time my brother and I went to the movies and sitting in front of us was a guy with dreadlocks.
I hear that if your hair can’t support dreadlocks, they’re a chore to take care of. Well it was apparent this guy wasn’t taking care of them cuz the individual dreads were starting to clump up and become one solid dread. It looked like a damn cow pattie, people!! I think I know some people that have had dreadlocks in the past who are not African-American. To those people I hope your dreads didn’t look like a pile of dookie coming out of your scalp!
You loved it when you saw Isabella hump a cardboard cutout of a bumblebee, or lose her head while mating with a praying mantis. In case you need a sexy refresher, here is the first time I spoke about Green Porno. My favorite one is the snail, it’s so violent.
Well we couldn’t get enough of the ecological smut, and Isabella Rosellini responds with Green Porno 2. It’s environmentally decadent, you will love it. Out of the new ones, my favorite one is the whale. Who knew that’s how they did it! The link is NSFW if you work in a convent. I was gonna put my favorite clip on here for you, but couldn’t find it on youtube. So click on the link and watch them all at the Sundance link.
The Unholy Grail
As I sit here sipping on my iced McLatte pondering about how many levels of bad this McLatte in my hand is, I come to the realization that as bad as it may seem, I feel no remorse in having one.
The Guilt…
1. I’m contributing to a mega business that undermines workers worldwide by underpaying hard working employees.
2. This company serves sub-standard food and very unhealthy options, which is only contributing to the nation’s obesity epidemic.
3. The caloric intake I’m intaking as I sip on one of these drinks is astronomical. With all the cream and fatty molecules that are in this drink, I don’t need to eat for the next 2 days. Just lookin at it makes me feel like I’m gaining weight.
4. It’s really kinda taboo for upstanding consumers of overpriced yet healthy alternative food to go to a place like McD’s. By even mentioning on this blog, I risk getting blacklisted from Whole Foods. I’ve seen it done, but I can’t talk about it. Besides, that whole organic food thing is just a front for some kind of mafia, but that’s another post.
5. It’s got high-fructose corn syrup!
You know…Fuck it!
First of all, lemme state that high fructose corn syrup is made from corn, doesn’t contain any artificial ingredients, and like sugar, is safe in moderation.
I worked hard this morning out in the sun. Did I mention that it was in the morning? It was even before 9am! All I’ve had today has been some tortilla chips and 2 glasses of grapefruit juice. After that, I’ve been running errands all day. So in terms of the whole unhealthy aspect of it, I think I’ll just turn vegetarian for a couple days, that should even things out. I’ll only eat green and white holystic foods, so organic the dirt will still be on it. I’ll also think about doing some of that yoga stuff, I hear it works wonders on guilt.
Also, as much as I wanted to get me some chicken mcnuggets and fries, I abstained. Scientists still haven’t figured out what part of the McChicken the McNuggets come from, so I guess I really don’t need them, being a pseudo-scientist and all.
In conclusion, I’m a good human being! I think about the poor and injustices around the world and try not to insult people (on purpose). I’m also very eco-friendly, friend to the environment and animals love me. So why oh why can’t I have just a few crutches to help me along the way?!? I’m not asking for much, no governments underminded or people oppressed, just some damn overpriced coffee that’s bad for me!
Speaking of governments, it was the founding fathers that said “Let them have their coffee!” That’s why they dumped all that tea in the harbor, cuz they preferred coffee. The British covered it up by saying it was some protest against taxes and shit, but it’s all about protecting the tea industry. The British love their tea cuz it’s healthier, but there’s more to life than being healthy. Why can’t life just be made a little easier for everybody with our guilty pleasures? I know that people have too many guilty pleasures, but that’s just the stupid people that have no self control and get fat and lazy. But we’re not all stupid, needing nursemaiding! Why not have a stupidity tax, just tax the stupid people?!?
Update: You will find exactly what I just said in the Absolutely Fabulous episode titled “Poor”, Season 2, Episode 5. Check it out and thank French and Saunders (the creators of Absolutely Fabulous) for their comedic genius.
While surfing the internet for awesome stuff that’s relevant to this blog, for some reason was reminded of a nature video I had seen a few months ago. Back then it didn’t hit home because I was still very zombie ignorant, but since I’ve become learned in the threat of the undead everything I see can be used for getting an advantage in the war.
This video is of a zombie snail. Lemme break down why it’s called a zombie snail…
- Like a real zombie, the snail is infected with a parasite that turns him into a zombie. This pretty much goes straight for the head and turns him into this alien-looking pulsating slimy thing.
- Once infected, the snail is gone for good. the only way to help it now is to kill.
- If you cut off limbs (or tentacles or whatever you call snail parts), it still keeps going. Not only does he keep going, he regenerates a new part.
- Unlike the zombie, the zombie snail gets eaten by birds in order for the parasite to be spread. Like the zombie though, he pretty much runs (or crawls) to his death.
Here is the video, but now a disclaimer: this video is not suitable for people that are squeamish to crawly things, afraid of insects and/or the undead, or bird shit. All I can tell ya is it’s hella cool!
When I found this video on youtube, all I could think of was how much I’d love it if it talked about chemistry instead of english. Then I realized that geeks come in all colors. That is when I realized that I know more english geeks than any other kind! First of all, I’ve changed the names to protect the geeky, but if I didn’t name you, you know who you are! While watching this clip, I was thinking how Mr. Galapagos and Kelly the MasterDebator would be geeking out to this kinda stuff.
Because I’m more of a science afficionado than an english connoseur, I can only imagine the reaction an english dork might have. They’re gonna be all:
“My Word, such folly and whimsy in the satire of this allegorical interpretation of the minutiae of grammatica. I must expose my fellow academians to this nugget of ambrosia only Thalia could have gently placed in my ears and eyes, oh sweet goddess of all that is funny!”
Then they will light their pipes and sip on their 100yr old scotch. Trust me, that’s how english dorks behave behind closed doors.
Getting back to the question at hand, if I had to pick right now the font that I’d be, it would have to be
This font is bold enough to get your attention (just like me), but not too bold that it gets annoying. There’s structure and rigidity in the letters, especially the all-caps, but at the same time there’s a sense of softness and emotion in the lower caps and numbers. That pretty much describes me in a nutshell. I wish I could write my blog using that font, but I haven’t figured out how to change the font on this blog thing to a cool font like Modern No. 20. I also dig the name, since I’m a Neo-Future Modernist.
To the 10 people that read this blog, if you could be any font, which one would it be? And don’t say Helvetica, that is sooo clichey!
Anime logic,
Starbuck the female cylon…
back table eavesdrop.
You remember that show, where these people pretty much lived in that bar, and if you’re one of the cool people the second you walked in everyone shouts out your name cuz “everybody knows your name” unless you were an extra in the background? That is the only reason why I HATED that show. Everyone was always smiling and glad to see you walk in cuz the second you walk in they’re falllin out of the damn stool just to say hello and buy you a beer. But if you were an extra in the background, you were pretty much a second-class citizen. Yeah I know this is only a show and you have to focus on the main characters blah blah blah. Well this also happens in real life, and I get to live it every day.
Because I’m eco-friendly, I ride the bus every day to get to school in order to help the rain forests and penguins and koalas and shit like that (avoiding driving in rush hour is a nice perk for being kind to trees too). I’m even willing to help ugly animals too. Anyhoot, I digress…
Every morning I catch the bus at 7 in the effin mornin and everyday without fail, I’ll be a bit grumpy. Well, in the bus there’s a group of “regulars” that are friendly towards each other, so once someone new in their click walks in, every one of these bozos yells their name out, JUST LIKE IN CHEERS! I sit at the back of the bus cuz I can see everything from back there. Well at my bus stop, 2 ladies that belong to this group get on, so when I board, people make a big hoorah when they get on (like the main characters that they are) while I just quietly go to my seat (like a Star Trek extra). Being in the back trying to stay awake, I’ve decided to name all of the main characters and re-enact life dramas they might have.
Cast (in order of Apperarence)
Eyebrows: This old lady(bout 55ish) paints her eyebrows on every morning. She gets on the bus the same time I do, and only talks to the other members of the group. One day the bus was late and she was waiting with me. Because I’m not in her little group, she don’t talk to me, so instead of makin small talk with me standing there, she calls her friend already riding the bus. Also, she looks like she’s a very grumpy person, but when the second the other member of the group gets to the bus stop, she lights up and makes stupid jokes. Bitch should be happy she gets to see me everyday, but I think she’s playin it off. Someone should have an eyebrow intervention with her.
Mommy Dearest: This is the other person that boards the bus with me and Eyebrows. I guess she’s a new mom cuz all she can talk about is her kids. These kids are the smartest kids in the world, cuz the conversation might be about politics, religion, or underwater quantum mechanics in Arameic, and she’ll bring up her kids. She looks tired and a bit bitchy, but the second she sees Eyebrows, her breathing gets faster and she smiles and kids around (but not with me, remember I’m an extra). Whatever anyone in her group might say, she can top it with how her son loves Jesus while singing the Star Spangled Banner.
Smiley: This guy is already on the bus when I board it with Eyebrows and Mommy Dearest. His main characteristic is that he doesn’t stop smiling the whole time. No kiddin! Because there’s always a conversation going on, he’s always smiling at whoever is talking. When it’s his turn to talk, he speaks with this creepy smile. I guess he’s mid 30’s and wears glasses and sits in the very very front seat of the bus. He also wears shoes with little tassles on the top of them. I don’t even know where to get shoes like that, and I go to shopping at the Goodwill for clothes.
Shy-Girl: Because she’s the youngest cast member, she can wear retro-chic fashions and scarves from the 60s, cuz that’s how she expresses herself. She doesn’t talk much but is still an important member of the group, cuz everyone wants an insight into todays culture and popular things. When anyone talks to her directly, they always start with the phrase “Back in my day…” She always nods at anything they tell her, so she must have really strong neck muscles. I bet she does the yoga, cuz like everyone knows, that what kids nowadays are doing. I was gonna put a pic of a shy girl here, but when I googled it, I kept gettin porn, and since Im in a public place, well can’t.
Cliff: I really can’t describe this old guy better than this, cuz he IS Cliff. He’s got a bit of a loserish way to him, but not in an annoying way. Today he was showing everyone his new iPhone and how groovy it is and how it’s gonna revolutionize everything and make his life so much easier, especially with the GPS. I can’t count the times I was on the bus and realized I didn’t know where I was. Wait, yes I can its ZERO. Smiley smiled, Shy-Girl nodded, Mommy Dearest interrupted him by sayin her 3yr old knows how to use an iPhone already (that little rascal!) and Eyebrows wasn’t payin attention cuz she’s checkin her makeup.
At the end of the day, or the bus ride, whatever comes first, everyone gets off the bus and with hugs, say goodbye. I sit there thinking tomorrow there will be new conversations, but I already know whats gonna happen. They better not find out my name! I am the Bus-Ridser-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!
Do you know anyone that does NOT own a cell phone? What has happened to humans that makes it necessary to own a cell phone?
I use the bus every day to go to school cuz the parking there sucks royally. Last week while on my way home, I believe I lost my cell phone on the bus. I sent out a text message around noontime, and by 2pm, I couldn’t find my phone anywhere. So for the whole of last week I’ve been living without a cell phone. Lemme tell ya, it was torture! Not only for me, but for pretty much everyone around me. My mom was calling me all day, I was going to meet my running buddy but we couldn’t reach each other, I’m pretty sure I pissed a bunch of people off by not returning phone calls, all in all it was awful. After being 6 days with no cell phone, I finally got one yesterday, and it’s like the clouds have parted and it’s sunny and good now. That’s my point: how did we get so dependent on a technology we didn’t have 15 years ago, and when did it happen?
What once was a luxury now has become a necessity of life. I remember when it was so outlandish for someone to own a cell phone. It was inexplainable to even have a beeper. Now I can’t even take my mom to the store without both of us having cell phones, just in case we get separated. Trust me, we always get separated. How in the hell did people function without cell phones?
Could you live a whole week without a cell phone? I’m not talking about a phone all together, cuz back in the day people had home phones. I guess my challenge is to leave your cell phone at home. It’s ok if you can’t do it, to tell ya the truth I bet I could do it, except that it’d be really inconvenient and I really don’t need to prove anything since I did it last week. That and I’d probably piss more people off. Everybody has become a slave to technology. Technology is the opiate of the masses!
P.S. Sprint SUCKS!!!!! I don’t have a contract with them, have called them every month for the last 4 months to stop sending me bills for a phone I reported lost 2 years ago, got it disconnected, and was promised I’d never get a bill again. Yes, I have a reference number from the person I last spoke with. I still keep gettin a bill for $11-$25 from a cell phone that doesn’t exist anymore. Sprint won’t listen, so I’m going to tell everyone I know how they’ve treated me. I’m actually considering legal action cuz it’s turning into harassment, especially cuz this shit can’t be good for my credit. Sprint keeps telling me they’ve fixed the problem, canceled my account and zeroed my balance, yet I still keep getting statements with a balance! Their service always sucked, reception was horrible, people are the rudest both over the phone and at the stores, and all they want is your money. WTF! Those greedy sons o’biches!
Ok, done ranting… for now.
