Back in my Sears days

To pay my way through school, I worked at the Sears hardware department selling everything from nails and screws to power tools, table saws and toolboxes. I was in my early 20’s, but since I look younger than normal, I was always asked if Sears knew about child labor laws. On a good day, work would be light, customers would be nice, and some of the coworkers I despised would call in sick. On bad days, every asshole customer would be sent to me (by my asshole coworkers) and bitch me out for stuff I had no control over. One day…

[SCENE IV]

INTERIOR OF SEARS TOOL DEPT. – SUNDAY 11:00AM

An empty hardware department except for 2 employees. One employee is standing behind the counter wiping it off while the second, older employee stands between the counter and the entrance to the department, adjusting his comb-over instead of working, like always.  Muzak is heard in the background.

The store manager is walking around to every store entrance opening the doors to let the first customers of the day in. As he walks through every department, employees in each of the depts. pretend to be doing something so as to not attract any attention from the boss.

As the entrance closest to the tools dept is opened, a middle-aged CUSTOMER storms in and approaches JIM BOB. JIM BOB leaves his hair alone and greets the CUSTOMER.

JIM BOB
(annoyingly cheerful)

Well aren’t we early birds! Welcome to Sears, how can I serve you today?

CUSTOMER
(irritated)

I need to make a damn payment on my credit card, that way i can fuckin cut it to pieces!

JIM BOB
(insincere)

Well, I wish I could pay off my credit cards like that, my wife has them all full. Women shouldn’t be allowed to use credit cards, eh? You can make a payment over there with Alex, he’d be glad to take your money.  And if you need to buy anything, just come get me and I’ll be glad to help ya. I’d appreciate that, we do get paid by commission here, hehe.

CUSTOMER
(now more irrate, approaches the counter and slams his credit card bill, making a loud thud)

Is this where you take my money?!?

ALEX
(trying to pretend not to be startled)

Do you need to make a payment, sir?

CUSTOMER

What gave ya that idea? Maybe I just wanna give my money away!

ALEX

Ok, I can help ya with that. How much do you wanna pay?

CUSTOMER

All of it! I only owe $20, and because of that, you bastards sent me to collection. Now because of 20 fuckin dollars, my credit’s gonna be fucked. I’m sure you get this all the time, cuz y’all love to screw over people!

ALEX

I’m sorry to hear that , sir.

CUSTOMER
(still irritated, but now talking in a demeaning tone)

Yeah, I’m sure. I have credit cards that are older than you!

The CUSTOMER opens his wallet, takes out 2 $10 bills, and throws them on the counter. The bills flutter in the air, one of them hitting ALEX in the chest

CUSTOMER

Here, and I better get a receipt!

ALEX
(unsuccessfully trying not to show surprise, blood rushing to his head, making his face red)

Um, ok.

ALEX
(He picks up the pay stub, then he half smiles)

Sir, I can’t take your payment here, this is…

CUSTOMER
(Interrupting, almost shouting)

Like hell! What’s so fuckin funny?!? Where’s your manager?

ALEX
(smiling, but polite)

Sir, this is Sears. You’re bill is with Montgomery Wards.

ALEX points to the main entrance of the store. The rest of the mall can be seen beyond. Most of the stores in view still have their bars down and lights off, obviously not open yet.

ALEX

You need to go down there, once you get to the food court, make a left and Wards will be to your right. Ya can’t miss it. Bad thing is they don’t open for another hour. You can wait here if ya want though.

The CUSTOMER, ashamed of his outburst, picks up his pay stub and his money. He is red in the face, initially because of his outburst, and now because he realizes how much of a first-class prick he’s been to a complete stranger that took the brunt end of his frustrations, a kid that looks about the same age as his own kids.  As the CUSTOMER walks away, Jim Bob walks up behind ALEX, oblivious to what just happened.

JIM BOB
(towards the CUSTOMER, annoyingly cheery)

Thanks for stoping by. Hope you have a Grand Day!

(Facing ALEX, speaking in his normal nasal tone.)

Another payment, huh? I wish we got commission from payments. Luckily, I rarely get those, hehe.

ALEX’s smile doesn’t fade, not yet at least…

Cooking with Dog: Julia Childs, eat your heart out!

Funny story happened to me when I visited Japan…it involves the weird food they eat.  Itwas during the spring and there were a lot of festivals happening around the cherry blossom viewing thing they do over there. I was walking around Kyoto one evening enjoying the sights and events going on, when I come across this fair. Not turning down a good time I go and check it out. There were booths with games where you could win cricket cages and goldfish, but most importantly there were a lot of food vendors. I mean a lot! The y had everything from squid on a stick to these little round shiny white balls on a stick. I’m not in the mood for anything salty, so I opt for a sweet treat, when I came across these:

These little cream puffs looked extremely awesome. I ask what they are but I don’t know why, I don’t even know Japanese. All I know is “How much?”. I get me some yummy sweetness and walk away. One thing I learned in Japan is that it’s very rude to walk and eat at the same time, so I find me a concrete bench to much on my takoyaki. As I bite into it, I have a big surprise cuz there’s octopus in my cream puff, and no cream! Takoyaki is like a jelly donut if you replace the jelly with octopus. I couldn’t eat the rest, so I discretely throw them away, but I did give it a good effort. Well, I’ve finally found a video showing me how to make these, and it’s with a dog!

Cooking with Dog is the newest sensation hitting the culinary world. What intrigues me is how they take all the fear out of trying Japanese food, even though I’m sure I won’t like most of it.

My sources tell me that Francis (the host of Cooking with Dog) is in talks with the people of Iron Chef.
I can’t wait, the heat will be on! My money’s on the poodle and his assistant.  I highly recommend you subscribe to the Cooking with Dog channel!

VS.

What the f%^& is wrong with cyclists?!?

Today as I waited for the bus to take me back home, I saw a bicyclist get clipped by a car. He tumbled to the ground in a hard way, probably got the wind knocked and shit scared out. Problem is it was 100% totally his fault. What’s worse is he had no helmet! This is actually pretty serious because someone could have gotten seriously hurt, I’m not taking this lightly. Thank Xena nobody got hurt and the cyclist was able to walk it off and maybe learn a lesson in life preservation.

I was waiting like 50 ft away from one of the busiest intersections in school, on a two-way heavily traffic street. There’s a lot of traffic everywhere, as well as a lot of pedestrians and people on their bikes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bikes and stuff, but in this town (just like in a lotta other towns), bicyclists have taken upon themselves to declare themselves kings and queens of the roads. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not closely run over by a dumb hipster cyclists wearing extremely tight pants and no helmet! Come on, when people can see your junk through denim, that means them pants too tight! (That goes same for guys and girls)

OK, back to my story…well traffic is going smoothly and theres a green light on the 2 way street. Now each way has 2 lanes, so the traffic light has a protected left turn signal. Well, here comes this hipster doofus on his bike trying to make a left turn on the road. The first car coming the other way sees this guy’s not gonna stop cuz cyclists hate to lose their momentum, so the car slows down and halts for the biker. The cyclist makes the turn but neither him nor the second car see each other. The 2nd car slams on his breaks but its unavoidable, and hits the bike’s back tire. This sends the hipster off his bike in the air and he lands on the hard asphalt. The car stops and the driver gets out to see how hurt the hipster is. The crowd that was patiently waiting for the crosswalk see to the biker too. This hipster gets up, takes his bike and limps away carrying his messenger bag where he carries his pride and probably his laptop in pieces. Everyone in the scene how feels sick to their stomach from the fright, at least I do, and that’s what counts.

From my point of view, the car had no way he could have seen the bike get in his way. Luckily he only hit him on the back tire, but that’s only because he slammed his brakes. If he hadn’t I don’t even wanna imagine. The cyclist had absolutely no protection other than his self entitlement and mistaken ownership of the road. What if the driver had swerved, even just slightly to miss the cyclist? If he had swerved to the left he would have hit the other cars. To the right, only a crowd of about 15 pedestrians waiting on the corner. Again, thank Xena nothing bad happened. The worse that probably happened was the dude’s gonna get some nasty bruises (that he deserves!) and the driver probably has some damage to his car. If it had been me, first of all I’d be worried about the person I just hit. Once I know hipster is ok, I’d want to punch him out for damaging my car as well as soiling my pants.

I guess this turned out to be an open letter to the dumbass cyclists in my town, but come on people, get a clue!!!!!!

Please:

• Wear a helmet!! It might not look as cool as your 80s clothes you got from your parents or that cool ass thrift store, but it saves lives.
• Bike defensively!! Assume that cars don’t see you unless you make eye contact. You learned this in driver’s ed, now use it.
• Don’t listen to your iPod while riding around!! Come on, is it really that necessary to be listening to your sorry-ass Killers or Panic at the Disco shit at all times?!? You need to concentrate on the road.
• Respect both cars AND pedestrians!! Again, it’s now a daily occurance I almost get run over by a cyclist. The day it happens, I’m gonna throw the biggest fit!! Everyone’s seen how soccer players act when they get hurt, well that’s nuthin.
• Make yourselves as visible as you can!! I know shades of black look very cool , but when you’re on the road at night on a bike, you’re playing with your life here buddyboy. Wear bright colors , use bright flashing lights, especially at night. In the daytime it’s not as crucial but every little bit helps.
• And lastly, get rid of those nasty-ass-clown  painted-on pants!!!!!! That pretty much is a no brainer, you look so ridiculous, some cars might actually target you.
  

Haiku for you #10

I know you have it,
My cell phone is far from my hand.
Text message silence.

White people shouldn’t get dreadlocks, it looks like poop!

First of all, I’m not making this a racially motivated post. For all you haters out there that might wanna spin my words into some cultural, racist, sexist, whatever thing, dont cuz that would be dumb and you really don’t wanna act a damn fool. I’m just stating that fact that every time I see a white person with dread locks it makes me gag. Lemme state what I consider a white person to be — they’re not black. I was gonna refer to them as non-black or non-african-american, but I dont wanna get all 1984 double-speak in this post and typing hyphens cramps up my pinky. To be racially inaccurate, whites may include Asians, Hispanics, and even some African-Americans that don’t have the proper hair to make into dreadlocks. I’m just saying that unless you have the right kind of hair, you should not try and get dreadlocks.

While researching this, I read up some blog on the pros and cons to dread locks. Some people like that Rastafarian lifestyle and thats why they do it. Others like to pretend they’re Rastafarians, and that’s why they do it. Rastafarians wear dread locks to express their inner spirituality and to emphasize their identity cuz one of their major beliefs is that they must remain “whole” so they can’t cut their hair. That;s why Bob Marley died of toe cancer, cuz he couldn’t cut it off cuz it went against his beliefs. While looking for some pictures I found people that look really sexy with dread locks. If your hair can support dreadlocks, then be my guest and do it. When done properly, it looks damn good.

Hindus also believe in stuff, so they have dread locks. Shiva had dreadlocks. But if you look at their hair, it can support dread locks. My problem is with the people that don’t have the hair to have proper dreadlocks. If your hair can’t support this hairstyle, please don’t do it, cuz it looks like SHIT! LITERALLY!!!!

Shitty dreadlocks!

When people that have really straight hair try and tease it into dreadlocks, it ends up looking like your dog shat on your head. This is where it makes me gag. Sometimes people fall prey to cultural appropriation, which is what I think this whole dreadlock craze is about. There’s two kinds of people that wear dreadlocks: the real Rastafarians and the people that wanna adopt that lifestyle for the looks of it.

The other day I was hungover like never before, so I my sense of synicism was extra acute. We go to this taco place to get some tacos and while waiting in line there’s this guy with dread locks in front of us.

Ok, this guy was not really in front of us, I would have totally lost my cookies if he had though. But there was this white guy with brown hair in dreads all the way down to his butt. And his dreads were making me ill because they looked like very long turds coming out of his head. Sorry for the very graphic mental pic, but it’s my literary duty to describe stuff as accurately as possible. Obviously my appetite went out the window. Did I mention I was massively hungover? And that’s not the first time I’ve been disgusted like that by this dreaded phenomenon. Another time my brother and I went to the movies and sitting in front of us was a guy with dreadlocks.

I hear that if your hair can’t support dreadlocks, they’re a chore to take care of. Well it was apparent this guy wasn’t taking care of them cuz the individual dreads were starting to clump up and become one solid dread. It looked like a damn cow pattie, people!! I think I know some people that have had dreadlocks in the past who are not African-American. To those people I hope your dreads didn’t look like a pile of dookie coming out of your scalp!

Yes, yes, Oh Yes! It’s Green Porno 2.

You loved it when you saw Isabella hump a cardboard cutout of a bumblebee, or lose her head while mating with a praying mantis. In case you need a sexy refresher, here is the first time I spoke about Green Porno. My favorite one is the snail, it’s so violent.

Well we couldn’t get enough of the ecological smut, and Isabella Rosellini responds with Green Porno 2. It’s environmentally decadent, you will love it.  Out of the new ones, my favorite one is the whale.  Who knew that’s how they did it! The link is NSFW if you work in a convent.  I was gonna put my favorite clip on here for you, but couldn’t find it on youtube.  So click on the link and watch them all at the Sundance link.

What is a guilty pleasure called if you feel no guilt or remorse?

The Unholy Grail

As I sit here sipping on my iced McLatte pondering about how many levels of bad this McLatte in my hand is, I come to the realization that as bad as it may seem, I feel no remorse in having one.

The Guilt…

1. I’m contributing to a mega business that undermines workers worldwide by underpaying hard working employees.

2. This company serves sub-standard food and very unhealthy options, which is only contributing to the nation’s obesity epidemic.

3. The caloric intake I’m intaking as I sip on one of these drinks is astronomical. With all the cream and fatty molecules that are in this drink, I don’t need to eat for the next 2 days. Just lookin at it makes me feel like I’m gaining weight.

4. It’s really kinda taboo for upstanding consumers of overpriced yet healthy alternative food to go to a place like McD’s. By even mentioning on this blog, I risk getting blacklisted from Whole Foods. I’ve seen it done, but I can’t talk about it. Besides, that whole organic food thing is just a front for some kind of mafia, but that’s another post.

5. It’s got high-fructose corn syrup!

You know…Fuck it!

First of all, lemme state that high fructose corn syrup is made from corn, doesn’t contain any artificial ingredients, and like sugar, is safe in moderation.

I worked hard this morning out in the sun. Did I mention that it was in the morning? It was even before 9am! All I’ve had today has been some tortilla chips and 2 glasses of grapefruit juice. After that, I’ve been running errands all day. So in terms of the whole unhealthy aspect of it, I think I’ll just turn vegetarian for a couple days, that should even things out. I’ll only eat green and white holystic foods, so organic the dirt will still be on it. I’ll also think about doing some of that yoga stuff, I hear it works wonders on guilt.

Also, as much as I wanted to get me some chicken mcnuggets and fries, I abstained. Scientists still haven’t figured out what part of the McChicken the McNuggets come from, so I guess I really don’t need them, being a pseudo-scientist and all.

In conclusion, I’m a good human being! I think about the poor and injustices around the world and try not to insult people (on purpose). I’m also very eco-friendly, friend to the environment and animals love me. So why oh why can’t I have just a few crutches to help me along the way?!? I’m not asking for much, no governments underminded or people oppressed, just some damn overpriced coffee that’s bad for me!

Speaking of governments, it was the founding fathers that said “Let them have their coffee!” That’s why they dumped all that tea in the harbor, cuz they preferred coffee. The British covered it up by saying it was some protest against taxes and shit, but it’s all about protecting the tea industry. The British love their tea cuz it’s healthier, but there’s more to life than being healthy. Why can’t life just be made a little easier for everybody with our guilty pleasures? I know that people have too many guilty pleasures, but that’s just the stupid people that have no self control and get fat and lazy. But we’re not all stupid, needing nursemaiding! Why not have a stupidity tax, just tax the stupid people?!?

Update: You will find exactly what I just said in the Absolutely Fabulous episode titled “Poor”, Season 2, Episode 5.  Check it out and thank French and Saunders (the creators of Absolutely Fabulous) for their comedic genius.

Mother Nature is giving us another warning sign of imminent Zombie Apocalypse.

While surfing the internet for awesome stuff that’s relevant to this blog, for some reason was reminded of a nature video I had seen a few months ago.  Back then it didn’t hit home because I was still very zombie ignorant, but since I’ve become learned in the threat of the undead everything I see can be used for getting an advantage in the war.

This video is of a zombie snail. Lemme break down why it’s called a zombie snail…

1. Like a real zombie, the snail is infected with a parasite that turns him into a zombie.  This pretty much goes straight for the head and turns him into this alien-looking pulsating slimy thing.
2. Once infected, the snail is gone for good.  the only way to help it now is to kill.
3. If you cut off limbs (or tentacles or whatever you call snail parts), it still keeps going.  Not only does he keep going, he regenerates a new part.
4. Unlike the zombie, the zombie snail gets eaten by birds in order for the parasite to be spread.  Like the zombie though, he pretty much runs (or crawls) to his death.

Here is the video, but now a disclaimer: this video is not suitable for people that are squeamish to crawly things, afraid of insects and/or the undead, or bird shit.  All I can tell ya is it’s hella cool!

If you could be any font, what would you be?

When I found this video on youtube, all I could think of was how much I’d love it if it talked about chemistry instead of english. Then I realized that geeks come in all colors. That is when I realized that I know more english geeks than any other kind! First of all, I’ve changed the names to protect the geeky, but if I didn’t name you, you know who you are! While watching this clip, I was thinking how Mr. Galapagos and Kelly the MasterDebator would be geeking out to this kinda stuff.

Because I’m more of a science afficionado than an english connoseur, I can only imagine the reaction an english dork might have. They’re gonna be all:

“My Word, such folly and whimsy in the satire of this allegorical interpretation of the minutiae of grammatica. I must expose my fellow academians to this nugget of ambrosia only Thalia could have gently placed in my ears and eyes, oh sweet goddess of all that is funny!”

Then they will light their pipes and sip on their 100yr old scotch. Trust me, that’s how english dorks behave behind closed doors.

Getting back to the question at hand, if I had to pick right now the font that I’d be, it would have to be

This font is bold enough to get your attention (just like me), but not too bold that it gets annoying. There’s structure and rigidity in the letters, especially the all-caps, but at the same time there’s a sense of softness and emotion in the lower caps and numbers. That pretty much describes me in a nutshell. I wish I could write my blog using that font, but I haven’t figured out how to change the font on this blog thing to a cool font like Modern No. 20. I also dig the name, since I’m a Neo-Future Modernist.

To the 10 people that read this blog, if you could be any font, which one would it be? And don’t say Helvetica, that is sooo clichey!

Haiku for you #9

Anime logic,
Starbuck the female cylon…
back table eavesdrop.